Thursday, 2 April 2015

TWENTY: Easter, Fasting, and Rituals


 A “perfect” body is one that works, no matter what that means for you personally.

When I was in my twenties, I had a fasting ritual over Easter weekend.  After Maundy Thursday’s “last supper”, I would eat only fruits, veggies and pita until after service on Easter Sunday.  It was a small sacrifice by me to remind me of the huge sacrifice made FOR me.  I would also find time to listen to the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack at least once.  And I would read the Easter story in the bible (and end up singing some more JCSuperstar lines).

One of the pastors at my church also has a fasting ritual.  He does not eat anything from after supper on Wednesday to suppertime on Thursday. 

Another friend fasts for the entire Lenten period: no meat or dairy.


There are many religious rituals surrounding food:  how it is killed; how it is cooked; how it is prepared; how it is eaten; etc.  But when we have food rituals that aren’t tied to a faith-based prescription, it can be called, in the extreme case,  an eating disorder.  What is it about food fascinates us?  Why is food ‘all consuming’?  (see what I did there?)

Eating is the most sensual thing we do as humans.  It involves all five senses: sight, smell, touch, taste and sound.  People with sensory processing issues (see post #19) have a very hard time at meals, especially in restaurants.  The onslaught to your nose, eyes and ears can be very overwhelming. 

And eating is very personal.  Even sex doesn’t invade your body as much as food does.

There are so many unspoken rules about meals: what is a breakfast food and why does it have to be only in the morning when you are breaking your overnight fast?  Why don’t we eat dessert first?  Why do we feel bad about ourselves when we break rules that are quite arbitrary?

There are even rules about food choices and amounts to consume based on gender! 
Naomi Wolf said: If women cannot eat the same food as men, we cannot experience equal status in the community.



Food for thought this Easter weekend:

Rules for Sharing Food

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3p7L9QAhrIA

Thursday, 19 March 2015

NINETEEN: Get the stress out of my head, Dopamine (Sensory Processing)


Food doesn’t make me feel better, it just temporarily stops me from feeling what I’m feeling.


More about the stress thing.  And eating because I’m stressed. And returning in my mind to the event that caused the stress… an abnormal amount of time and energy spent in imaginary conversations.  Too much dopamine forces my brain to perseverate on the cause of the stress until it is dealt with.  But when the problem is people who don’t act like grown-ups, there is no ‘dealing with it’.  Those people are so much better at being aggressive, illogical and just plain mean. 



Here is a not-so-quick lesson in the neurobiology of behaviour:

Everything you know to be true is learned via your body and brain. The environment is perceived by the five “far” senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, sound) and travels through the body into your brain, specifically the cerebellum. The vermis (or lining of the cerebellum) “gates” information into the cerebellum much as the gates in a horse race ensure everyone is off to a good start. Information travels through specific ventricles (areas) of the vermis en route to the cerebellum. People with autism may have insults (injuries) to the 7th and 8th ventricles (known to be responsible for language) which can be seen on an MRI [Courchesne & al [1988]. Those “language horses” can’t get out of the gates efficiently. In Joubert Syndrome, Dandy Walker and several other cerebellar disorders, many gates are damaged or completely missing. Just imagine a horse race where the gun goes off and some of the horses are not even facing the right way!  

Behaviour is dictated by many different reasons: some behaviour is learned, some is due to reasoning and some is “instinct”. Imagine sitting at a computer and your little brother comes in and yells “BOO!” Your brain is flooded with a biogenic amine (or neurochemical) called dopamine and one of three things will happen: a fright response (Freeze with eyes wide open); a flight response (duck or veer to away from the sound) or a fight response (punch the little rugrat). This response happens immediately: you don’t even think about it. This is dopamine at it’s best. Its job is to get you out of danger immediately.  

Now, if your little brother makes a habit of scaring you at the computer and after a day or two you are typing away and waiting for him to come in: punching him as soon as he comes up behind you is not a dopamine-driven response. You have cognitively learned that it feels good to punish him for his joke and the line “My dopamine made me do it!” is not going to stand up in a “sensory-court” of law. That last punch was definitely a learned response!

Another important neurochemical is norepinephrine. Its main job is to figure out why there is so much dopamine and keep you focused on the problem. This is a very useful tool when walking across the road to the doughnut shop and a big red truck comes barreling down on you. The dopamine will cause you to have a fright response (deer-in-the-headlights) a fight response (yell at the driver) or a flight response (Run away!). The norepinephrine keeps you alert to the dopamine-driven response – rather than planning your next shopping trip for shoes the same colour as the truck!

The fact that norepinephrine keeps your brain focused on the reason for the influx of dopamine is very important when the problem is an obvious, solvable problem. After you realize it was your little brother scaring you, your body releases a third neurochemical called serotonin. Its job is to bring all the dopamine back down to a normal level. As that happens, the norepinephrine also is reabsorbed. After you get out of the path of the truck, it may take several hours for your body to produce enough serotonin to match the dopamine and bring it “back down”. Sometimes, after a particularly devastating situation (accident, death of loved one, etc.) it may take months for you to feel “equal” again. You may even experience “flashbacks” as your body tries to compensate for the large influx of dopamine. Eventually, however, all things go back to normal.

In some cases, the dopamine is elevated for no one observable reason. Perhaps a child’s parents are not acting like grown-ups at home. This child goes home, not knowing if she might get yelled at or hit.... or when.... or why. The dopamine level is always high in order to run or duck as soon as necessary.  

Common Problems
Some children have brains that do not work the same as other’s. If the vermis is missing or compromised, as in many cerebellar disorders, the world is not processed in the same way. This is very confusing for the child. Confusion and stress increase the amount of dopamine. Signals come crashing into the brain in an unorganized way and the brain struggles to make sense of it all. Quite often, “normal” sensory information is perceived as a war-zone of lights, sounds, textures, and smells.

As a result of this constant “dopamine-high”, the child often feels anxious or angry for no apparent reason. If you ask them why they feel angry, they honestly cannot tell you. They just feel it. They may have a heart-wrenching sob at the slightest upset. It may appear that they are overreacting, but in essence, that event was the “last straw” for them to withstand.

The norephinephrine is still there, of course, trying to figure out why there is all that dopamine. It may arbitrarily focus on someone or something. The child may suddenly become angry at the pizza you have served for lunch... the same pizza you serve most days... the same pizza served with exactly four pepperoni, one per slice... at the same temperature as always (routine is very important for kids with sensory processing problems :) But today, the pizza triggers a screaming fit. One reason could be that the norephinephrine has decided that the pizza is the reason for the increase in dopamine and therefore, a fight response is in order. When you try to explain that the pizza is what is for lunch, the dopamine may decide on a flight response... and fling the pizza across the room!

Now, the dopamine and norephinephrine are not sentient beings living inside the child’s head. They are very powerful neurochemicals that drive behaviour and it is extremely difficult to ignore the impulse to act on their commands. Just as it would be almost impossible to stand still while the truck was coming at you or not to duck when someone startles you, to ask a child on a “dopamine-high” to be reasonable is UN-reasonable: they are reacting to a message that is not coming from a learned response.

A sensory processing therapist works under the philosophy that some behaviour is driven by a person’s neurochemicals and these can be manipulated to change behaviour. Bonnie Hanschu spoke of people with special needs as a rose within an onion. A sweet, beautiful person in there, glimpses are caught, but the vision is blurred and opaque. The layers of need can be peeled away with different therapies (sensory processing, cognitive, medication, etc.) until only the person remains. This is the goal of any advocate: ensure that all the child’s needs are addressed.  

How to Increase Serotonin
There are a variety of ways to increase serotonin in the system. There are many different types of drugs which alter the amount to serotonin: Zoloft, Celexa; Paxil are some names of commonly prescribed SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). Also some natural plants such as St. John’s Wort may elevate serotonin. Everyone will have a time in their life when there is a strain on the dopamine/serotonin balancing act: a death; divorce; new child; etc. These events are all very emotional and disrupt your body's normal routine.  

Diabetics constantly need to monitor their sugar levels in order to be able to stay healthy. People with brains which work differently need to have their dopamine “monitored” in order to interact positively with their environment. Just as a diabetic uses insulin to keep their body’s chemistry at an optimum, some people require boosts of serotonin before, during and/or after a stressful event to help their neurochemisty remain efficient.

In a normally functioning brain, a difficult day is usually soothed by a walk in the sun, perhaps sitting in a green field, listening to music, eating chocolate or having a warm bath. All of these coping strategies utilize your far senses to increase serotonin. The effect of the serotonin on your system would be a “few drops” (although it’s not really drops, that is just a convenient visual analogy :)

If you have been experiencing a larger amount of stress over the past few days, you may choose to get a massage or wrap up tightly in a warm, heavy blanket. This strategy uses deep pressure to stimulate the receptors under your skin and serotonin increases. The analogy would be a “full beaker”.  

An incredibly difficult period in your life may cause you to go for a run or begin an exercise program. These activities stimulate the proprioceptive sense of where your body is in space and it has a latency effect of one to two hours. The proprioceptive system has its receptors in muscles, tendons and joints. (Hanschu, 1997) Each time you activate the deep tendons at the joints, your brain makes a better connection to where that part of your body is. Serotonin is also created in this process. There are other aspects of your body chemistry at work here: endorphins, etc. but for this discussion, we will stick to the biogenic amines. The amount in our visual analogy would be a “full teacup”. Because of the latency effect, the running or weight lifting will keep your serotonin elevated for an hour or so after the activity has ended.

The most stimulating sense is your vestibular sense of where your head is in space. It is sensed in your inner ear and has a latency effect of four to eight hours. If you have ever spent a few hours on a boat then closed your eyes on land and still FELT like you were on a boat, you have experienced the latency effect of your vestibular sense. The analogy of the amount of serotonin enhanced by the vestibular sense is a “full bucket”. It is the most alerting and focusing of the seven senses and is particularly beneficial for the special needs population that we are discussing.  

Practical Ideas
In order to meet elevated amounts of dopamine in the brains of people with sensory processing spectrum disorders, there needs to be “buckets” of serotonin available at regular intervals. A physiotherapist or occupational therapist that has sensory integration or sensory processing training can assist the person’s caregivers in setting up a series of activities (also called a sensory diet) that are designed to provide the boosts of serotonin needed.  

A child who screams every time they are put into the family car, may need to bounce on a trampoline for ten minutes before being told it is time to go. A person who refuses to eat may need to spend ten minutes on a vestibular swing followed by some time with an electric toothbrush before going to the supper table. A student who becomes restless in math class may need to carry some textbooks to the book room, preferable one upstairs.


References
Courchesne E, Yeung-Courchesne R, Press G, Hesselink JR, Jernigan TL (1988) Hypoplasia of cerebellar vermal lobules VI and VII in autism, New England Journal of Medicine 318:21:1349-1354

Hanschu, Bonnie, OTR (1997) Evaluation & Treatment of Sensory Processing Disorders Phoenix, AZ: Developmental Concepts p100



Ministry of Ontario: Curriculum Expectations. Math Grade 1-8


Going out of my head over you. 
Out of my head, over you. 
Out of my head, day and night, night and day and night. Wrong or right.
              -----Little Anthony and the Imperials "Going out of my Head"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq204wG8UfA


Monday, 16 March 2015

EIGHTEEN: BIg FAT Stress












I have no need to put someone down to elevate myself.


I wish stress decreased my appetite. Or at least my appetite for sugary carbs. Like cake.  

 The last six weeks of my return to work have been exhausting. My "re-assimilation" into my daily work day was difficult. The last time I was blessed with a gap in teaching, when the girls were 13/14 years old, I was off for an entire 14 months. I went back to work rested and ready to tackle the education world once again. Not this time. 

I can't decide what is the "straw" that seems to have broken me:
  • I'm 8 years older
  • I had 7 less months
  • My dad needed much more assistance
  • Erin was not at school during the day 
  • The work environment was not what I expected
  • I have changed
The last is the most puzzling to me. I must have changed since I have continued living and life changes you. But I'm not sure why I'm not feeling the familiar energy from my teaching day.  I went back to a school that was an amalgamation of two rival schools. There were many strikes against the success of this new school and when I returned in February many students and staff seemed somewhat shellshocked. I have to admit that February is always a low energy month for me personally so perhaps this is just the first time I was aware that others felt the same as I usually do. 

 Here we are at the Ides of March and I still don't feel comfortable in my workplace. This causes me stress. 

Just today I was speaking with a friend about how important it is for our students to feel accepted and safe in the classroom in order for them to learn effectively. I have to say that this filters into my workplace as well. I do not feel ...... I'm not sure how I feel.

 I definitely feel stressed and I'm not sure it's just because I'm back to work. 



Working 9 to 5. What a way to make a living. Barely getting by, it's all taking and no giving.              -- Dolly Parton  '9 to5'


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwDMFOLIHxU 

Monday, 2 February 2015

SEVENTEEN: Reject and accept

The last thing I should be doing is rejecting myself. Accepting myself as I am right now is the first step in changing, growing and evolving. When I reject myself, I cannot grow.



I rejected my self when I was a teenager.  I believed that I did not have value and was ‘disposable’.  I remember sitting for hours by the river and wondering how much of an impact there would be if I just went in and didn’t come back out.  One time, I walked out on the ice by the marina.  At night. 

But I came back to shore and went home.

I still reject my self.  I have a hard time believing that my actions impact people and events around me.  Recent events have made me see that I have a greater impact than I imagined.  I really believed that what I did was only important in the microcosm that I inhabit daily.

My work with the Joubert Foundation is all accomplished from the safe security of my spot on the couch with a laptop.  All the emails, documents, organizing charts, lists, etc that have helped me accomplish the goals of the foundation were drafted in this corner of my living room.  No wonder it’s hard for me to see the big picture when I work in such a confined space. 

In my teaching, I focus on trajectory.  Even though my interactions with students make millimeters of change, the trajectory over their lifetime is large.  I try to keep that in mind when making goals for my students.  One small accomplishment, such as counting coins, can make a lifetime of difference.  One small admission about character, such as ego, can make a difference in many other lives.

I shouldn’t, therefore, be shocked about my own trajectory.  I have spent the last 20 years being an advocate for Joubert Syndrome. Many changes have occurred over that time and some of them trace back to my work. 

What else could happen if I started acting on the belief that my contributions have positive consequences?  What if I continue to change my own trajectory, one small goal at a time?

The possibilities are endless!  As long as I accept my self.



It's no good believing in somebody else If you can't believe in yourself
     Alan Parsons, Turn it Up (1993)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WplvDCe8_hw

Sunday, 25 January 2015

SIXTEEN: Cuba

Make plans for tomorrow but live for today.

That is the note the maid for our room left us on the second day of our stay at the memories resort in Cayo Santa Maria. And we heeded her words. No agenda. No appointments. No one calling 'mom'.  Just low stress decisions like:  meat or fish for dinner? What to mix with my rum? and Is it time to turn over on my beach chair?

Having never been at a sun destination resort I had no idea what to expect. I made many rules for myself before we left Toronto airport. No water or ice in drinks. Hand sanitizer before and after touching any serving utensils. No taking off my hat in the sun. Choose food wisely.   I am proud to say within the first 20 minutes of our arrival I had broken every rule. And therefore did not worry about said rules for the rest of the trip.  The food choice was easy since I didn't like the desserts LOL.

Sitting on the beach all day people watching, reading and napping filled our day. I believe the self talk I've been practicing helped me be more relaxed!  I had no problems wearing my bathing suit and coverup to the breakfast buffet.  I didn't feel self conscious on the beach. And most important. I was not critical of others I saw with different shapes   Looking around, I definitely would have been one of the few NOT enjoying the sun, surf and breeze.



I did stay in the shade most of the day unless I was in the water. And then I still kept my coverup on so I wouldn't burn. So although I don't have a sun kissed glow to my skin I definitely have a glowing spirit!

One story:). We were at the beach bar and a little girl was running after a small beach ball caught by the breeze. It kept missing the chairs scattered here and there and went quite a distance before someone caught it for her.  As expected, she took back the ball and turned around realizing she had no idea where she was. I watched a few more minutes to be sure she started back, all along wondering who would go claim her if she didn't find her way back soon. I stopped watching and turned to find her parent. Surely someone other than I had been watching over her protectively.

As I turned Kevin said "enjoying the show?!"  I told him I was worried about her.
Who?-- he asked me.
The little girl
What little girl ?
The one I was watching chase her ball.
Oh I though you were looking at another type of ball !!

I looked around with fresh eyes. Apparently between myself and the angel I was protecting was a very buff young man who was very drunk. As I watched the girl, the boy took off his bathing suit and put on his girlfriend's miniskirt. At the moment I looked over, he was lying on the sand doing pelvic lifts with his dangly boy bits waving below the skirt line.  The things you miss when you have your mommy eyes on :D.  .

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.
The answer is blowing in the wind.
        Bob Dylan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwgrjjIMXA

Thursday, 15 January 2015

FIFTEEN: Monkeys

When I compare myself to others, I destroy myself, I don’t want to destroy myself so I’ll just continue on my journey, not worrying about other people’s journeys.

Not my circus: not my monkeys.
I am a problem solver.  Worse, I think my solutions are always the best choice for the situation.  I know that I am very strong willed and that often creates tension.  So, when I see a problem in someone else’s life, I want to fix it.  Yet, I am not ‘fixed’ myself!  Jesus told people “Whomever is without sin should cast the first stone.”  Yup.  I should not cast the stone… but I do.

Comparing my weight and shape to others is destructive.  If I am so hell-bent on being CONstructive in my discussions with others, why do I not give myself the same grace?  I should be constructive in my own criticisms.  Build myself up with positive and point out 1-2 ways to improve.  Not simply stare at myself in the mirror and cringe.

If I can’t accept my own reflection, why do I believe that I can improve someone else’s reality?
Not my circus: not my monkeys.  
NOTE: Monkeys fling their poo when they are attacked.  I need to stay poo-free.


Darwin said we all evolve from monkeys
If his theory is accurate and who am I to say?
Does the opposite work going the other way?
If it does I wanna devolve back to a monkey
I wanna be a monkey that's for sure
I wanna be a monkey like Curious George

Arrogant Worms:  The Monkey Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gNPdpvdTQY

Friday, 9 January 2015

FOURTEEN: Not all alone

I can only go forward, so although I can learn from it, I refuse to dwell on the past.

When I gave the blog the title “The Truth About Me” I assumed it would be a one-way street.  The reader would discover things about me that I had never shared.  It would be a good way to reflect on the reasons that I don’t take compliments well, why I am rarely content with the way I look.  [I was going to say ‘happy with the way I look’ but I need a more accessible goal J]

This theme has been developing:  not letting others in; being so busy with detail that I am not fully present with other people.  I believe humans are called to be in relationship with each other, to communicate and share in order to create a positive environment. 





Its not that I have never felt connected. I’m just realizing that the times that I have felt alone in a crowd, I haven’t really seized the opportunity in front of me.


I'm all alone       He’s all alone
all by myself       Except for me
there is no one here beside me
     King Arthur and Patsy in Spamalot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ck6OCvuXAA

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

THIRTEEN: Try

THIRTEEN
Just because someone looks perfect on the outside, doesn’t mean they have a perfect life. No one has a perfect life, we all struggle. That’s just what being human is.

I’m not sure when I started to choose peace over perfection.  My younger self used to worry over every detail and replay the situation in my head ad infinitum.  I rarely let anyone help me. Not because I thought they would do it wrong.  Because I had so many thoughts in my head I couldn’t organize them to know what to ask them to do.    
…. And I wanted to be sure it was going to look like the plan in my head. 

I tried so hard to be sure that everything was perfect (for the show, the dinner, the party, etc) that I was rarely ‘present in the moment’ during the event.  (see blog Eleven).

As I did more studying on leadership skills, I also began to let go of control over the details.  I still listed all the details and I was ready to jump in if needed.  But I did learn to delegate…. Or more importantly, let others in.  And the whirlwind in my head subsided and it was even easier to share the details :)  Who knew!



You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
Colbie Caillat, Try

Thursday, 1 January 2015

A Blessing for the New Year :)





A BLESSING FOR THE NEW YEAR
(Beannacht)
On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.
And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The gray window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
In the curragh of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.
-John O'Donohue

TWELVE: Health or Punishment

 I choose health and healing over diets and punishing myself.

Doing some more reading and came across today’s statement.
I have always felt that diets and exercise are punishment.  I haven’t been a ‘good person’ making ‘good choices’ so I must follow someone else’s description of ‘good’.  Why can’t I love carrots as much as cookies!?!  It would be so much easier if a fresh stirfry could be made as quickly as a grilled cheese.  It’s not that I’m lazy…. I do like to cook fresh meals.  I just have so many other things I would rather be doing.

After two months of writing, I am trying to see a pattern in my thoughts.  Perhaps I am still too close to see it.  I feel that there is something in the writing that should be slapping me in the face and saying  “HERE!  HERE is what you are missing!”  That ‘something’ that will make me suddenly able to say no to ‘sugar and carbs and pastries, oh my’!  If only it were that simple.

I am proud to say that I have been walking much more regularly for an hour on most mornings.  I worry that when my routine changes upon my return to work, so will my resolve to be active.  However, my friend that I have been walking with has promised to keep me to my word and find time to walk in the evenings.  I need to choose health and not see exercise as a punishment!

I’m walking on a razor blade
Careful not to cross the line
Every little step I take
It’s punishment time
  Korn: Punishment Time

*warning: not an uplifting song…. But great guitar riffs J