SIX: Ch-ch-ch- changes

SIX

The average personality re-shapes frequently, every few years even our bodies undergo a complete overhaul-desirable or not, it is a natural thing that we should change.
― Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

Change: make or become different

There are many things about me that I would like to change: weight and body type are the top two on the list.  However, at no point does this definition require change to match media expectations. In fact, it specifically says “become different”.  If I want to change, it does not have to be to what I’ve been brainwashed to believe is ‘real’.  Rather, change is about being different from where you are right now. 

Think about how drastic the changes are to the human body and mind in the first three years of life.  It is impossible to describe the extent of change in each area of the baby’s being using only the space of a blog post.  I’m sure someone else has written a book about it.   (see http://www.zerotothree.org/  for information and resource list :)  It is ridiculous to think that all the changes in our bodies and thoughts are because we demand them to change.  Much of “it is a natural thing” and not something we actually control.  According to Wikipedia,

Weight loss occurs when the body is expending more energy in work and metabolism than it is absorbing from food or other nutrients. It will then use stored reserves from fat or muscle, gradually leading to weight loss.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weight_loss

So, change is natural.  Then, why do we gain weight as we “middle age”?  Apparently,

As we age, a decrease in our physical abilities leads to a decrease in our metabolic rate (amount of energy used in a given period), which in turn contributes to weight gain. The physiological changes that accompany increasing age affect the body's composition and cardiopulmonary (heart and lung) function, thus reducing our ability to work and exercise and lose weight. Genetics, muscle mass, gender, calorie consumption versus expenditure, and lifestyle are all factors in weight gain.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://www.hughston.com/hha/a_15_2_4.htm

Further reading led me to this gem:   …new science is revealing that age-related weight gain has very little to do with caloric balance and much more to do with the altered physiology of the aging body and adverse environmental and lifestyle factors.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health-advisor/is-gaining-weight-inevitable-as-we-age/article19490838/

I would like to think that frenetic exercise and dieting could be compared to a facelift or other surgery that seeks to mask the changes of aging.  I would like to think that.  And perhaps it would be true in the extreme.  But really, I should be exercising…. Not because of the scale, but to be healthy.

Change is not just inevitable.  It is also natural.

Turn and face the strange 
Ch-ch-changes 
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it 
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes 

    David Bowie, Changes

FIVE: Celebrate the moment.

FIVE

Life doesn’t start 10 pounds from now, it’s already started. I can make the choice to include myself in it.

I have another bad habit.  Starting the next project before this one is done.  That means I never really celebrate the end of anything.  The reflection period after an event is put aside for the new checklist in my head.  I continually focus on the future goal without paying attention to the one I am completing.

In highschool, I couldn’t wait to be in university. By second year, I was longing for 4^th year.  In 4^th year, I was focused on Teacher’s College.  In Teacher’s College….  Well.  You see the pattern.  That’s probably why my thirties were such a ‘problem’.  I didn’t know what to focus on NEXT.  I was married with two kids and a house, working successfully as a teacher and volunteering in many areas (theatre, non-profit, etc).  Kevin (my husband) would say, “Just enjoy it.”  But I didn’t know how.  I only knew how to work toward the next project.

It wasn’t until very recently (October, 2013, to be exact) that I understood the value of ending a project and having ‘down time’.  I had just finished a very involved project for the Joubert Foundation (www.jsrdf.org) after spending a few months helping my dad move from his house of 58 years to a senior’s apartment.  There was no “next project” to focus on.  I had moved into the Past-president role at the JSRDF.  I was in a job that I enjoyed and did not want to apply to a new position.  And I looked at what I had accomplished in that year (2013) and just enjoyed it!  What a wonderful feeling! 

I don’t want to miss the rest of my life. Although my weight is always higher than what I hope for,  even if I lost 50 pounds I would want to lose 10 more.  Then 10 more, etc.  As I said, I rarely finished one project without starting the next one.  Now that I have experienced savouring an accomplishment, I  should enjoy who I am now, not focus on what I hope to be.

I NEED TO REPEAT MY MANTRA: I need to focus on being healthy and not the scale.  The only goal should be wellness related:  two flights of stairs without feeling my pulse pound in my head; getting up off the floor more gracefully; ...

Celebrate good times. Come on!

Let’s celebrate!

     Kool and the Gang, Celebrate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

FOUR: Healthy Voices

I will not give in to the voices of my eating disorder that tell me I’m not okay. I will listen to the healthy voices that I do have, even if they are very quiet so that I can understand that I am fine.

I have a recurring, twisted desire.  I want to be ‘a little bit anorexic’.  I know the physical risks and I completely understand how a mentally stable person would not dream of ever following through with such a goal.  But I often think that.  I visualize what it would be like to not be able to eat.  I ignore the reality of eating disorders:  they are not a choice nor are they to be made fun of.  Eating disorders are serious mental health issues that cause people to die.  I completely understand…. And I still think about it.

Even as a kid, I thought skinny people were beautiful.  One of my idols was Karen Carpenter. Mostly because I wanted to sing like her but also because I wanted to look like her.  She died of complications from anorexia nervosa. My favourite Christmas movie is “White Christmas” with Byng Crosby and Danny Kaye with the two lead women in the story being played by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen. They are both beautiful and talented women. Ms Clooney has a lovely figure that curves in all the rights places showcasing a trim waist.  Ms. Vera-Ellen is skinny and I love her lack of curves.  My family watches the movie annually after we finish decorating the Christmas tree.  And every year my daughter and husband comment on how ‘that woman needs to eat something’. Even as a pre-teen, Sarah saw that if your thighs don’t touch, there might be something wrong with your diet.  I still think Vera-Ellen is perfect.

I am straining to hear the whisper.  

*Since I was writing about her today, I thought I would find out a bit more about Vera-Ellen.  Apparently, she was not well as a child and used dancing as a ‘therapy’. She was the youngest Rockette in the late 40s and she was in several musicals with prominent entertainers in the 1950’s.

Vera's career died down in the late 1950s once filmed musicals lost their fashion. It was later discovered that, due to the dancer's compulsive dieting obsession, she had silently battled anorexia throughout much of the 50s before anyone was even aware or doctors had even coined the term or devised treatments.

Retrieved from http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0893584/bio on November 3, 2014

Don’t fall back, cause you’re needed here to share your beauty
There’s no right or wrong this time, it’s only living
Again, listen to my voice
Broken Fences - Listen to My Voice Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lN6Ta0Gi-g

THREE: Be Good To Yourself

Restricting my food doesn’t make me a better person, being kind to myself and to others makes me a better person.

I often think of statements that make me believe that if I could only cut down on what and how much food I put in my body, then I would be a better person.  I believe I am fat because I have no will power. That I have no control in my life because I can’t control the amount of pastries I consume in a week. After all, I can’t be a good person if I have no will power and no control.  The theory sounds completely reasonable to me in my head.  I even believe it reading it here. But I know I shouldn’t fall for my trap. 

Food has nothing to do with my generous nature--- or is it really tied to the generous helping of pasta on my plate?  If I stopped overeating, would I stop overdoing the positive things in my life (work, volunteering, etc).  Logic tells me ‘Of course not!’.

I’ve got the “being kind to …others” part well rehearsed.  I have learned to be patient with everyone, including my teenage students!  I know that I remind myself to be gracious to people that ‘irritate me’ so that I take the time to better understand their point of view… and usually feel less irritated as a result.  Getting closer to my 5^th decade definitely has its benefits when looking back for examples of kindness to others!

But being kind to myself?  At this point in the journey, I can’t see myself ever believing that I could. 

#bekind  #bepatient  #behealthy

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself

         --- Journey  “Be Good To Yourself”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mnbSALbliU

When is the last time you were ‘good to yourself’? What did you do :)

TWO: A Book and its cover size

It is not okay that we judge the contribution of our politicians by their haircuts or the size of their breasts, or to infer that the determination or the success of an Olympian is down to her not being a looker. We need to start judging people by what they do, not what they look like.

                 Meaghan Ramsey on TED Talks http://www.ted.com/talks/meaghan_ramsey_why_thinking_you_re_ugly_is_bad_for_you/transcript?language=en

I spend too much energy looking at other people’s bodies and comparing in the most negative ways.  “Oh good. She’s bigger than me.” Or “That guy’s gut is bigger than mind and no one cares because he’s a guy.”  Or even worse, “She’s too big to wear that. What is she thinking”.  I swear, if people could hear what goes on in my head, I would be shunned for eternity. 

I profess to believe that ‘Different is Just… Different” (shameless plug for my children’s book of that title---  www.ktompkins.com/different ) but my thoughts do not follow my own philosophy.  If I really believe that I was ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14) then why do I judge so harshly and so readily?  I have doubted someone’s ability because of their physical appearance.  I have dismissed someone’s intellectual capacity because of the size of their belt.  I have not taken the time to discover who the person is before judging the book by its cover.   And I have dismissed the opinion of others because I cannot accept they are telling a truth.

When someone tells me I look [good, fabulous, lovely, whatever] I reply, “You are too kind” with a bright smile.  What I’m thinking is “you are just being nice and making that up”.  Why do I believe that my friends lie to me out of pity?  They have no reason to.  Friendships are based on trust and I betray that trust when I deny their truth.  I must begin to believe that my appearance is not the only aspect of me.  That I am “beautifully and wonderfully made”.

'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top
                Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Do you judge yourself more harshly than you should?  Are you quick to judge others?  Do you believe people when they compliment you?

ONE: I feel so fat I can't breathe.

ONE

Life is too short and too precious to waste time obsessing about my body. I am going to take care of it to the best of my ability and get out of my head and into the world.

What a waste to focus on my waist. Here I am, days away from my 48^th birthday and I am just now realizing that my self-image is no better than it was at 13.  Awkward.  Disappointed.  Embarrassed.  These are the first words that come to mind.  So many other things about me have grown and matured into a beautiful, wonderful, enlightened outlook on life.  I am more tolerant, patient, empathetic and relaxed in my interactions with fellow humans. What a waste to focus on my waist.

I remember trying to remember to ‘suck in my stomach’ as my mom taught me in my pre-teen years.

Since those days, I have taken [and given] numerous lessons on proper breathing for effective voice production.  You simply cannot get to the end of the phrase if you are sucking in your gut.  Your belly needs to move in order to breathe effectively.  If you watch a child breathing, their shoulders are still and their belly moves out on the inhale and moves in on the exhale.  A singer will push their abdominal muscles out during the singing to maximize the length of the note. For many of us, at some point between the toddler and teen years, we stop our bellies from moving and the upper chest and shoulders become the active part of respiration.  But our poor lungs only fill up a portion of their capacity, not helpful to singers, speakers and athletes who need optimal respiration for success.

By focusing on my waist, I deprived my body of necessary elements.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air

          Chris Brown  feat. Jordin Sparks:  No Air

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBKnpyoFEBo

The Beginning

If people could hear what I thought…  

Thankfully I’m the only one who can.  

But those thoughts stop me from being

• Honest
• Happy
• Good to myself

A few months ago, I made a promise to myself that I would lose weight…. Again.  I made a realistic goal to be 150 pounds by my 50^th birthday.  That would be a 60 pound loss in 30 months.  Two pounds a month sounded reasonable!  So for the last six months I have lost the same 3 pounds several times. Then I had a realization.  I don’t need to lose weight.  I need to feel better.  I have already started walking a few times a week and I haven’t been bingeing on pastries (as often).  So, instead of sticking to a goal on the scale, I’m setting a new goal.  I pledge to find 150 quotes and positive affirmations that ‘resonate’ with my past actions and feelings.  I believe this will lead me to ‘the truth about me”.

If you are on this journey with me, I pray that we both have the courage and strength to look at ourselves through the eyes of the One who loved us first.

If only I could see me as you see me
And understand the way that I am loved
Would it give a whole new meaning to my purpose
Change the way I see the world

                Mandisa: The Truth About Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-bTho69TZI

Karen Nagy-Tompkins
UPDATE: Sept 1, 2018       So I will soon be 52... and I am actually down 40 pounds since the original post.  More importantly, I am not as obsessed with how I look or what I weigh.  Looking forward to getting back to achieving the 150 quotes/affirmations that I started 'back then'.   Cheers!

Here is the article posted by my dear friend, Tova, that inspired me to restart this journey :)    https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/mb4e7n/how-to-treat-fat-people-ally-fatphobia