SIXTEEN: Cuba

Make plans for tomorrow but live for today.

That is the note the maid for our room left us on the second day of our stay at the memories resort in Cayo Santa Maria. And we heeded her words. No agenda. No appointments. No one calling 'mom'.  Just low stress decisions like:  meat or fish for dinner? What to mix with my rum? and Is it time to turn over on my beach chair?

Having never been at a sun destination resort I had no idea what to expect. I made many rules for myself before we left Toronto airport. No water or ice in drinks. Hand sanitizer before and after touching any serving utensils. No taking off my hat in the sun. Choose food wisely.   I am proud to say within the first 20 minutes of our arrival I had broken every rule. And therefore did not worry about said rules for the rest of the trip.  The food choice was easy since I didn't like the desserts LOL.

Sitting on the beach all day people watching, reading and napping filled our day. I believe the self talk I've been practicing helped me be more relaxed!  I had no problems wearing my bathing suit and coverup to the breakfast buffet.  I didn't feel self conscious on the beach. And most important. I was not critical of others I saw with different shapes   Looking around, I definitely would have been one of the few NOT enjoying the sun, surf and breeze.

I did stay in the shade most of the day unless I was in the water. And then I still kept my coverup on so I wouldn't burn. So although I don't have a sun kissed glow to my skin I definitely have a glowing spirit!

One story:). We were at the beach bar and a little girl was running after a small beach ball caught by the breeze. It kept missing the chairs scattered here and there and went quite a distance before someone caught it for her.  As expected, she took back the ball and turned around realizing she had no idea where she was. I watched a few more minutes to be sure she started back, all along wondering who would go claim her if she didn't find her way back soon. I stopped watching and turned to find her parent. Surely someone other than I had been watching over her protectively.

As I turned Kevin said "enjoying the show?!"  I told him I was worried about her.
Who?-- he asked me.
The little girl
What little girl ?
The one I was watching chase her ball.
Oh I though you were looking at another type of ball !!

I looked around with fresh eyes. Apparently between myself and the angel I was protecting was a very buff young man who was very drunk. As I watched the girl, the boy took off his bathing suit and put on his girlfriend's miniskirt. At the moment I looked over, he was lying on the sand doing pelvic lifts with his dangly boy bits waving below the skirt line.  The things you miss when you have your mommy eyes on :D.  .

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.
The answer is blowing in the wind.
        Bob Dylan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwgrjjIMXA

FIFTEEN: Monkeys

When I compare myself to others, I destroy myself, I don’t want to destroy myself so I’ll just continue on my journey, not worrying about other people’s journeys.

Not my circus: not my monkeys.

I am a problem solver.  Worse, I think my solutions are always the best choice for the situation.  I know that I am very strong willed and that often creates tension.  So, when I see a problem in someone else’s life, I want to fix it.  Yet, I am not ‘fixed’ myself!  Jesus told people “Whomever is without sin should cast the first stone.”  Yup.  I should not cast the stone… but I do.

Comparing my weight and shape to others is destructive.  If I am so hell-bent on being CONstructive in my discussions with others, why do I not give myself the same grace?  I should be constructive in my own criticisms.  Build myself up with positive and point out 1-2 ways to improve.  Not simply stare at myself in the mirror and cringe.

If I can’t accept my own reflection, why do I believe that I can improve someone else’s reality?

Not my circus: not my monkeys.  

NOTE: Monkeys fling their poo when they are attacked.  I need to stay poo-free.

Darwin said we all evolve from monkeys
If his theory is accurate and who am I to say?
Does the opposite work going the other way?
If it does I wanna devolve back to a monkey
I wanna be a monkey that's for sure
I wanna be a monkey like Curious George

Arrogant Worms:  The Monkey Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gNPdpvdTQY

FOURTEEN: Not all alone

I can only go forward, so although I can learn from it, I refuse to dwell on the past.

When I gave the blog the title “The Truth About Me” I assumed it would be a one-way street.  The reader would discover things about me that I had never shared.  It would be a good way to reflect on the reasons that I don’t take compliments well, why I am rarely content with the way I look.  [I was going to say ‘happy with the way I look’ but I need a more accessible goal J]

This theme has been developing:  not letting others in; being so busy with detail that I am not fully present with other people.  I believe humans are called to be in relationship with each other, to communicate and share in order to create a positive environment. 

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

Mother Teresa

Give honor to all, love the community, fear God, honor the king.  [1 Peter 2:17]

Its not that I have never felt connected. I’m just realizing that the times that I have felt alone in a crowd, I haven’t really seized the opportunity in front of me.

I'm all alone       He’s all alone
all by myself       Except for me
there is no one here beside me

     King Arthur and Patsy in Spamalot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ck6OCvuXAA

THIRTEEN: Try

THIRTEEN

Just because someone looks perfect on the outside, doesn’t mean they have a perfect life. No one has a perfect life, we all struggle. That’s just what being human is.

I’m not sure when I started to choose peace over perfection.  My younger self used to worry over every detail and replay the situation in my head ad infinitum.  I rarely let anyone help me. Not because I thought they would do it wrong.  Because I had so many thoughts in my head I couldn’t organize them to know what to ask them to do.    

…. And I wanted to be sure it was going to look like the plan in my head. 

I tried so hard to be sure that everything was perfect (for the show, the dinner, the party, etc) that I was rarely ‘present in the moment’ during the event.  (see blog Eleven).

As I did more studying on leadership skills, I also began to let go of control over the details.  I still listed all the details and I was ready to jump in if needed.  But I did learn to delegate…. Or more importantly, let others in.  And the whirlwind in my head subsided and it was even easier to share the details :)  Who knew!

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away

Colbie Caillat, Try

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

A Blessing for the New Year :)

A BLESSING FOR THE NEW YEAR
(Beannacht)

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The gray window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the curragh of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.
-John O'Donohue

TWELVE: Health or Punishment

 I choose health and healing over diets and punishing myself.

Doing some more reading and came across today’s statement.

I have always felt that diets and exercise are punishment.  I haven’t been a ‘good person’ making ‘good choices’ so I must follow someone else’s description of ‘good’.  Why can’t I love carrots as much as cookies!?!  It would be so much easier if a fresh stirfry could be made as quickly as a grilled cheese.  It’s not that I’m lazy…. I do like to cook fresh meals.  I just have so many other things I would rather be doing.

After two months of writing, I am trying to see a pattern in my thoughts.  Perhaps I am still too close to see it.  I feel that there is something in the writing that should be slapping me in the face and saying  “HERE!  HERE is what you are missing!”  That ‘something’ that will make me suddenly able to say no to ‘sugar and carbs and pastries, oh my’!  If only it were that simple.

I am proud to say that I have been walking much more regularly for an hour on most mornings.  I worry that when my routine changes upon my return to work, so will my resolve to be active.  However, my friend that I have been walking with has promised to keep me to my word and find time to walk in the evenings.  I need to choose health and not see exercise as a punishment!

I’m walking on a razor blade
Careful not to cross the line
Every little step I take
It’s punishment time

  Korn: Punishment Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7sF9k_g3mA

*warning: not an uplifting song…. But great guitar riffs J