ELEVEN: Empty details.

“We clean our plates, yet we’re still famished—starving for something other than food.” 
― Kate Wicker, Weightless: Making Peace With Your Body

‘Tis the season to be jolly.  Are you?

I am looking forward to the next few days—visiting with friends and family, eating too much and then eating some more. 

There are so many details I feel I need to remember in order for the next few days to go smoothly (meaning, I don’t feel overwhelmed or disappointed). Most of the details are about food.  The right herbs for the turkey stuffing, the napkins that match the plates, the right butter for the rolls …which I just realized I forgot to buy!!  So I have a choice--- run around town trying to find a store that still has dinner rolls OR sit back and calmly finish this piece of writing.  A few years ago, I would be in the car by now, cursing myself.  Today, I chose to keep writing.  We have stuffing and potatoes so we don’t really need rolls. J  In fact, we don’t really NEED most of the things I’ve prepared!  Turkey, stuffing and a vegetable would be enough.  Potatoes, two more vegetables, three dessert choices: all extras.

Why is it that I focus on the extras?  I strive to add extra details to all my projects, not just meals.  I don’t think it’s for the accolades.  I definitely don’t think that the basics are enough. I am always wanting to add more and more until I’m satisfied that I could, indeed, do no more.  I don’t want to do anything ‘just fine’.  Yet the basics are all that is needed.  The extras should be about people, not food or stuff. 

New thought:  The extras allow me to detach from real relationships with the people who are participating in the meal or project. If I have a clipboard of things to do, I don’t need to worry about making connections with people.  I’m not good at ‘cocktail conversation’.  I am not up on the details of current affairs and I don’t have a wealth of interesting facts in my repertoire.  In all honestly, if its not about education or Joubert Syndrome (www.jsrdf.org) I feel out of my element.  I wasn’t always like this.  I used to have a repertoire of jokes and anecdotes to keep the audience laughing.  Now I just can’t work that hard.  I don’t have the quick mind that I did in my 20’s so my witty comebacks are a few beats late or only heard in my head. 

No wonder I feel empty at a party that I did not organize.  I wander from group to group, never feeling that I’m part of any of the conversations.  Not that I’m excluded!  The people I associate with are very lovely and always make room in the circle for me to participate.  It’s just in my head.

I believe that we ‘create our own reality’. Life is about the choices we make and we are meant to be in relationship with each other to be a true community. Only then are we really following Jesus’ example of how to ‘do this life right’. 

I need to think more about why I feel empty in a crowd. 

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

     By Tommy Shaw, Styx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yslLz0lbw7o

TEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall.

“Telling yourself you like the way you look is easy. Believing it is an entirely different kettle of whales.” 
― Andrew Biss, The Impressionists from the short story Big Girl

I have a friend who has a mirror by her front door.  Every time she goes out that door, she stops and checks herself in that mirror.  But she doesn’t admire herself.  She stares, frowns, squints, pulls at imaginary bumps of clothing.  I imagine she might sometime stick her tongue out and raspberry the image in that mirror.

I have a problem with mirrors.  The image in the mirror is not a reflection of how I think I look.  I think I still look like I did at 20 years of age!  Then I see this lady in the mirror and I am so disappointed. What happened?  Perhaps mirrors should reflect how we feel at the moment, showing us what we want to see? Or do we already place a great deal of emotional value on that image and our moods do change the way we see ourselves?

Thinking of people as mirrors:  Do I believe a friend who compliments me on a particular aspect one day MORE or LESS than I believe the mirror I looked in before leaving the house?  I know that if I liked the image in the real mirror that day, I am more likely to be pleased by my friend’s observation.  But if I thought the mirror image was ‘less than’ my ideal, I tend to think my friend is just being nice and trying to make me feel better.  Perspective is everything.

There is an old saying that you have to love yourself to be able to love others.  I found this blog as I was researching this saying:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201004/loving-yourself-how-important-is-it  I think that you have to be comfortable enough with yourself to appreciate the opinions of others.  If you are bogged down in self-loathing, it is very difficult to see anyone else’s light while you are sitting in the dark. 

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself then make a change.

Michael Jackson, “Man in the Mirror”  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps

NINE: Just the way you are.

I am perfect, whole, and complete just the way I am

That is a great positive affirmation statement!  Makes you smile just to say it :) 

Still contemplating my last post: “how I feel is what’s important”.

Having problems bringing some thoughts together;  IF how I feel is important AND I feel pain and illness THEN how can I be perfect, whole and complete just the way I am?

Do I need to pick one and ignore the other?  I want to stay on the journey of self-acceptance. But to do that I need to accept all of me, don’t I?  If I do the weight loss path, then I have to be unsatisfied with my self to stick to any diet/exercise changes.

Is there a reality where these two thoughts can coexist?

THOUGHT LEAP:  Today’s quote also reminds me that I am not my projects.  It has taken me many years to be comfortable with that thought.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I was always busy, going from one project to the next.  I rarely took time for myself and the work became part of who I thought I was.  Without the next project, who would I be?  Or more honestly, without the work, I would have no excuse to not take care of myself--- physical and mental health.  Hmmm.  Is that what this blog is?  Another way to avoid taking care of myself?  I don’t think so… my intent is to be honest and discover the truth about me.  I don’t just want to tell stories on a computer.  I want to force myself into a habit of self-reflection.  A journey to betterness… taken with friends :)  Thank you for reading this today!

I couldn't love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

    Billy Joel, Just The Way You Are

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqMsZ7RkqVY

** Take a look at the video just to see Billy Joel’s hair!! **

EIGHT: Hard to tell you how I feel.

A goal weight is an arbitrary number, how I feel is what’s important.

I have been told that I might be missing the point of my blog.  That it’s ok to not focus on the scale and be happy with yourself BUT that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still try to lose weight (less sugar, more exercise).  I need to be healthy.

Health,  “is the general condition of a person's mind and body, usually meaning to be free from illness, injury or pain (as in "good health" or "healthy").^[1]“

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health

Note that there is no mention of weight!  That made me smile J   Can that mean that as long as my weight does not cause “illness, injury or pain” it is a healthy weight? 

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I do have arthritis, which, in turn, causes pain.  And stairs and vigorous house cleaning make me breathless.  I do admit that is not healthy.  And I have high blood pressure.  So…

Not sure how I feel at all….

'Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like

[Not telling you who the artist/vocalist is for this one…. Gotta guess J  Just put it in the comments section! ]

PS:  Today's title comes from a song I performed in my teens for a production titled "The Me Nobody Knows".

        Here are the complete lyrics:

Hard to tell you how I feel. Everything is so unreal.

Lord this life is a hard thing to get to.

Saw my shadow on the wall.  Saw my love nowhere at all.

Saw my life as a hard thing to get through.

When you're born, they carry you.

When you're gone, they bury you.

In between you're on your own. Hard to stand there all alone.

Someone's crying down the hall. Dying cries,  they tell it all.

Lord this life is a hard thing to live

And harder still to leave.

When you're born, they carry you.

When you're gone, they bury you.

In between you're on your own. Hard to stand there all alone.

Lord this hill is hard to climb.  Gonna climb it one more time.

Lord this life is a hard thing to live. And harder still to leave.

This song comes from a musical called "The Me Nobody Knows" music by Gary William Friedman and lyrics by Will Holt. This actual song comes from The Me Nobody Knows (The Original 1970 Cast Recording) [Cast Recording] Gary William Friedman (Composer), Will Holt (Lyricist), Irene Cara (Performer), Beverly Bremers (Performer), Hattie Winston (Performer), Northern Calloway (Performer) The artwork is from the cover of this CD.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQL-UWfjeWY

SEVEN: Choice Saved My Life

Retrieved from Facebook on November 29, 2014.


Choice keeps me sane.

Long ago, when I was a new mom and working full time and directing plays and dealing with the sudden death of my own mom and being generally unhappy with my life at the time (whew!) a friend was worried about my health.  He said he had read an article about stress and cancer rates in women who felt trapped in their lives.  He was concerned that I was headed down that road.

I took that information to heart.  My mom had just died of cancer.  She had always had bowel issues so when she started seeing blood she just assumed it was a fissure or hemorrhoid.  She was on vacation with my dad at the time and was concerned enough to seek help at the local hospital.  Years later, my dad told me that the doctor expressed concern had advised her to stay for further tests or to follow up with her doctors at home. She said she would follow up at home.  That was in September of 1994.  She did not follow up at home.  She died in June of 1995.

My dad has always felt like it was his fault that he didn't make her go for the tests.  She said she was better and he believed her.  Maybe she did feel better.  Maybe she was scared.  Either way, she made a choice.

My friend's information changed the way I thought about my life.  I stopped feeling trapped and reminded myself that I CHOSE to be a wife and mother and teacher.  That I could chose to be otherwise but, for now, I chose to life with these responsibilities.  Sometimes I reminded myself several times a day!  But, ultimately, I could choose to stay or go.  And I continued to choose to stay.

I am happy to say that I no longer feel trapped.  It's been twenty years since that conversation with my friend.  And I can't thank him enough for giving me that insight.  I am sure he saved my life.

Maybe God is calling you tonight
To tell me something
That might save my life
Sidewalk Prophets, "Save My Life"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_gJ68kksWE

SIX: Ch-ch-ch- changes

SIX

The average personality re-shapes frequently, every few years even our bodies undergo a complete overhaul-desirable or not, it is a natural thing that we should change.
― Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

Change: make or become different

There are many things about me that I would like to change: weight and body type are the top two on the list.  However, at no point does this definition require change to match media expectations. In fact, it specifically says “become different”.  If I want to change, it does not have to be to what I’ve been brainwashed to believe is ‘real’.  Rather, change is about being different from where you are right now. 

Think about how drastic the changes are to the human body and mind in the first three years of life.  It is impossible to describe the extent of change in each area of the baby’s being using only the space of a blog post.  I’m sure someone else has written a book about it.   (see http://www.zerotothree.org/  for information and resource list :)  It is ridiculous to think that all the changes in our bodies and thoughts are because we demand them to change.  Much of “it is a natural thing” and not something we actually control.  According to Wikipedia,

Weight loss occurs when the body is expending more energy in work and metabolism than it is absorbing from food or other nutrients. It will then use stored reserves from fat or muscle, gradually leading to weight loss.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weight_loss

So, change is natural.  Then, why do we gain weight as we “middle age”?  Apparently,

As we age, a decrease in our physical abilities leads to a decrease in our metabolic rate (amount of energy used in a given period), which in turn contributes to weight gain. The physiological changes that accompany increasing age affect the body's composition and cardiopulmonary (heart and lung) function, thus reducing our ability to work and exercise and lose weight. Genetics, muscle mass, gender, calorie consumption versus expenditure, and lifestyle are all factors in weight gain.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://www.hughston.com/hha/a_15_2_4.htm

Further reading led me to this gem:   …new science is revealing that age-related weight gain has very little to do with caloric balance and much more to do with the altered physiology of the aging body and adverse environmental and lifestyle factors.

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health-advisor/is-gaining-weight-inevitable-as-we-age/article19490838/

I would like to think that frenetic exercise and dieting could be compared to a facelift or other surgery that seeks to mask the changes of aging.  I would like to think that.  And perhaps it would be true in the extreme.  But really, I should be exercising…. Not because of the scale, but to be healthy.

Change is not just inevitable.  It is also natural.

Turn and face the strange 
Ch-ch-changes 
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it 
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes 

    David Bowie, Changes

FIVE: Celebrate the moment.

FIVE

Life doesn’t start 10 pounds from now, it’s already started. I can make the choice to include myself in it.

I have another bad habit.  Starting the next project before this one is done.  That means I never really celebrate the end of anything.  The reflection period after an event is put aside for the new checklist in my head.  I continually focus on the future goal without paying attention to the one I am completing.

In highschool, I couldn’t wait to be in university. By second year, I was longing for 4^th year.  In 4^th year, I was focused on Teacher’s College.  In Teacher’s College….  Well.  You see the pattern.  That’s probably why my thirties were such a ‘problem’.  I didn’t know what to focus on NEXT.  I was married with two kids and a house, working successfully as a teacher and volunteering in many areas (theatre, non-profit, etc).  Kevin (my husband) would say, “Just enjoy it.”  But I didn’t know how.  I only knew how to work toward the next project.

It wasn’t until very recently (October, 2013, to be exact) that I understood the value of ending a project and having ‘down time’.  I had just finished a very involved project for the Joubert Foundation (www.jsrdf.org) after spending a few months helping my dad move from his house of 58 years to a senior’s apartment.  There was no “next project” to focus on.  I had moved into the Past-president role at the JSRDF.  I was in a job that I enjoyed and did not want to apply to a new position.  And I looked at what I had accomplished in that year (2013) and just enjoyed it!  What a wonderful feeling! 

I don’t want to miss the rest of my life. Although my weight is always higher than what I hope for,  even if I lost 50 pounds I would want to lose 10 more.  Then 10 more, etc.  As I said, I rarely finished one project without starting the next one.  Now that I have experienced savouring an accomplishment, I  should enjoy who I am now, not focus on what I hope to be.

I NEED TO REPEAT MY MANTRA: I need to focus on being healthy and not the scale.  The only goal should be wellness related:  two flights of stairs without feeling my pulse pound in my head; getting up off the floor more gracefully; ...

Celebrate good times. Come on!

Let’s celebrate!

     Kool and the Gang, Celebrate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

FOUR: Healthy Voices

I will not give in to the voices of my eating disorder that tell me I’m not okay. I will listen to the healthy voices that I do have, even if they are very quiet so that I can understand that I am fine.

I have a recurring, twisted desire.  I want to be ‘a little bit anorexic’.  I know the physical risks and I completely understand how a mentally stable person would not dream of ever following through with such a goal.  But I often think that.  I visualize what it would be like to not be able to eat.  I ignore the reality of eating disorders:  they are not a choice nor are they to be made fun of.  Eating disorders are serious mental health issues that cause people to die.  I completely understand…. And I still think about it.

Even as a kid, I thought skinny people were beautiful.  One of my idols was Karen Carpenter. Mostly because I wanted to sing like her but also because I wanted to look like her.  She died of complications from anorexia nervosa. My favourite Christmas movie is “White Christmas” with Byng Crosby and Danny Kaye with the two lead women in the story being played by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen. They are both beautiful and talented women. Ms Clooney has a lovely figure that curves in all the rights places showcasing a trim waist.  Ms. Vera-Ellen is skinny and I love her lack of curves.  My family watches the movie annually after we finish decorating the Christmas tree.  And every year my daughter and husband comment on how ‘that woman needs to eat something’. Even as a pre-teen, Sarah saw that if your thighs don’t touch, there might be something wrong with your diet.  I still think Vera-Ellen is perfect.

I am straining to hear the whisper.  

*Since I was writing about her today, I thought I would find out a bit more about Vera-Ellen.  Apparently, she was not well as a child and used dancing as a ‘therapy’. She was the youngest Rockette in the late 40s and she was in several musicals with prominent entertainers in the 1950’s.

Vera's career died down in the late 1950s once filmed musicals lost their fashion. It was later discovered that, due to the dancer's compulsive dieting obsession, she had silently battled anorexia throughout much of the 50s before anyone was even aware or doctors had even coined the term or devised treatments.

Retrieved from http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0893584/bio on November 3, 2014

Don’t fall back, cause you’re needed here to share your beauty
There’s no right or wrong this time, it’s only living
Again, listen to my voice
Broken Fences - Listen to My Voice Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lN6Ta0Gi-g

THREE: Be Good To Yourself

Restricting my food doesn’t make me a better person, being kind to myself and to others makes me a better person.

I often think of statements that make me believe that if I could only cut down on what and how much food I put in my body, then I would be a better person.  I believe I am fat because I have no will power. That I have no control in my life because I can’t control the amount of pastries I consume in a week. After all, I can’t be a good person if I have no will power and no control.  The theory sounds completely reasonable to me in my head.  I even believe it reading it here. But I know I shouldn’t fall for my trap. 

Food has nothing to do with my generous nature--- or is it really tied to the generous helping of pasta on my plate?  If I stopped overeating, would I stop overdoing the positive things in my life (work, volunteering, etc).  Logic tells me ‘Of course not!’.

I’ve got the “being kind to …others” part well rehearsed.  I have learned to be patient with everyone, including my teenage students!  I know that I remind myself to be gracious to people that ‘irritate me’ so that I take the time to better understand their point of view… and usually feel less irritated as a result.  Getting closer to my 5^th decade definitely has its benefits when looking back for examples of kindness to others!

But being kind to myself?  At this point in the journey, I can’t see myself ever believing that I could. 

#bekind  #bepatient  #behealthy

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself

         --- Journey  “Be Good To Yourself”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mnbSALbliU

When is the last time you were ‘good to yourself’? What did you do :)

TWO: A Book and its cover size

It is not okay that we judge the contribution of our politicians by their haircuts or the size of their breasts, or to infer that the determination or the success of an Olympian is down to her not being a looker. We need to start judging people by what they do, not what they look like.

                 Meaghan Ramsey on TED Talks http://www.ted.com/talks/meaghan_ramsey_why_thinking_you_re_ugly_is_bad_for_you/transcript?language=en

I spend too much energy looking at other people’s bodies and comparing in the most negative ways.  “Oh good. She’s bigger than me.” Or “That guy’s gut is bigger than mind and no one cares because he’s a guy.”  Or even worse, “She’s too big to wear that. What is she thinking”.  I swear, if people could hear what goes on in my head, I would be shunned for eternity. 

I profess to believe that ‘Different is Just… Different” (shameless plug for my children’s book of that title---  www.ktompkins.com/different ) but my thoughts do not follow my own philosophy.  If I really believe that I was ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14) then why do I judge so harshly and so readily?  I have doubted someone’s ability because of their physical appearance.  I have dismissed someone’s intellectual capacity because of the size of their belt.  I have not taken the time to discover who the person is before judging the book by its cover.   And I have dismissed the opinion of others because I cannot accept they are telling a truth.

When someone tells me I look [good, fabulous, lovely, whatever] I reply, “You are too kind” with a bright smile.  What I’m thinking is “you are just being nice and making that up”.  Why do I believe that my friends lie to me out of pity?  They have no reason to.  Friendships are based on trust and I betray that trust when I deny their truth.  I must begin to believe that my appearance is not the only aspect of me.  That I am “beautifully and wonderfully made”.

'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top
                Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

Do you judge yourself more harshly than you should?  Are you quick to judge others?  Do you believe people when they compliment you?