ELEVEN: Empty details.

“We clean our plates, yet we’re still famished—starving for something other than food.” 
― Kate Wicker, Weightless: Making Peace With Your Body

‘Tis the season to be jolly.  Are you?

I am looking forward to the next few days—visiting with friends and family, eating too much and then eating some more. 

There are so many details I feel I need to remember in order for the next few days to go smoothly (meaning, I don’t feel overwhelmed or disappointed). Most of the details are about food.  The right herbs for the turkey stuffing, the napkins that match the plates, the right butter for the rolls …which I just realized I forgot to buy!!  So I have a choice--- run around town trying to find a store that still has dinner rolls OR sit back and calmly finish this piece of writing.  A few years ago, I would be in the car by now, cursing myself.  Today, I chose to keep writing.  We have stuffing and potatoes so we don’t really need rolls. J  In fact, we don’t really NEED most of the things I’ve prepared!  Turkey, stuffing and a vegetable would be enough.  Potatoes, two more vegetables, three dessert choices: all extras.

Why is it that I focus on the extras?  I strive to add extra details to all my projects, not just meals.  I don’t think it’s for the accolades.  I definitely don’t think that the basics are enough. I am always wanting to add more and more until I’m satisfied that I could, indeed, do no more.  I don’t want to do anything ‘just fine’.  Yet the basics are all that is needed.  The extras should be about people, not food or stuff. 

New thought:  The extras allow me to detach from real relationships with the people who are participating in the meal or project. If I have a clipboard of things to do, I don’t need to worry about making connections with people.  I’m not good at ‘cocktail conversation’.  I am not up on the details of current affairs and I don’t have a wealth of interesting facts in my repertoire.  In all honestly, if its not about education or Joubert Syndrome (www.jsrdf.org) I feel out of my element.  I wasn’t always like this.  I used to have a repertoire of jokes and anecdotes to keep the audience laughing.  Now I just can’t work that hard.  I don’t have the quick mind that I did in my 20’s so my witty comebacks are a few beats late or only heard in my head. 

No wonder I feel empty at a party that I did not organize.  I wander from group to group, never feeling that I’m part of any of the conversations.  Not that I’m excluded!  The people I associate with are very lovely and always make room in the circle for me to participate.  It’s just in my head.

I believe that we ‘create our own reality’. Life is about the choices we make and we are meant to be in relationship with each other to be a true community. Only then are we really following Jesus’ example of how to ‘do this life right’. 

I need to think more about why I feel empty in a crowd. 

And you're fooling yourself if you don't believe it
You're killing yourself if you don't believe it

     By Tommy Shaw, Styx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yslLz0lbw7o

TEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall.

“Telling yourself you like the way you look is easy. Believing it is an entirely different kettle of whales.” 
― Andrew Biss, The Impressionists from the short story Big Girl

I have a friend who has a mirror by her front door.  Every time she goes out that door, she stops and checks herself in that mirror.  But she doesn’t admire herself.  She stares, frowns, squints, pulls at imaginary bumps of clothing.  I imagine she might sometime stick her tongue out and raspberry the image in that mirror.

I have a problem with mirrors.  The image in the mirror is not a reflection of how I think I look.  I think I still look like I did at 20 years of age!  Then I see this lady in the mirror and I am so disappointed. What happened?  Perhaps mirrors should reflect how we feel at the moment, showing us what we want to see? Or do we already place a great deal of emotional value on that image and our moods do change the way we see ourselves?

Thinking of people as mirrors:  Do I believe a friend who compliments me on a particular aspect one day MORE or LESS than I believe the mirror I looked in before leaving the house?  I know that if I liked the image in the real mirror that day, I am more likely to be pleased by my friend’s observation.  But if I thought the mirror image was ‘less than’ my ideal, I tend to think my friend is just being nice and trying to make me feel better.  Perspective is everything.

There is an old saying that you have to love yourself to be able to love others.  I found this blog as I was researching this saying:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201004/loving-yourself-how-important-is-it  I think that you have to be comfortable enough with yourself to appreciate the opinions of others.  If you are bogged down in self-loathing, it is very difficult to see anyone else’s light while you are sitting in the dark. 

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself then make a change.

Michael Jackson, “Man in the Mirror”  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps

NINE: Just the way you are.

I am perfect, whole, and complete just the way I am

That is a great positive affirmation statement!  Makes you smile just to say it :) 

Still contemplating my last post: “how I feel is what’s important”.

Having problems bringing some thoughts together;  IF how I feel is important AND I feel pain and illness THEN how can I be perfect, whole and complete just the way I am?

Do I need to pick one and ignore the other?  I want to stay on the journey of self-acceptance. But to do that I need to accept all of me, don’t I?  If I do the weight loss path, then I have to be unsatisfied with my self to stick to any diet/exercise changes.

Is there a reality where these two thoughts can coexist?

THOUGHT LEAP:  Today’s quote also reminds me that I am not my projects.  It has taken me many years to be comfortable with that thought.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I was always busy, going from one project to the next.  I rarely took time for myself and the work became part of who I thought I was.  Without the next project, who would I be?  Or more honestly, without the work, I would have no excuse to not take care of myself--- physical and mental health.  Hmmm.  Is that what this blog is?  Another way to avoid taking care of myself?  I don’t think so… my intent is to be honest and discover the truth about me.  I don’t just want to tell stories on a computer.  I want to force myself into a habit of self-reflection.  A journey to betterness… taken with friends :)  Thank you for reading this today!

I couldn't love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

    Billy Joel, Just The Way You Are

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqMsZ7RkqVY

** Take a look at the video just to see Billy Joel’s hair!! **

EIGHT: Hard to tell you how I feel.

A goal weight is an arbitrary number, how I feel is what’s important.

I have been told that I might be missing the point of my blog.  That it’s ok to not focus on the scale and be happy with yourself BUT that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still try to lose weight (less sugar, more exercise).  I need to be healthy.

Health,  “is the general condition of a person's mind and body, usually meaning to be free from illness, injury or pain (as in "good health" or "healthy").^[1]“

Retrieved on November 22, 2014 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health

Note that there is no mention of weight!  That made me smile J   Can that mean that as long as my weight does not cause “illness, injury or pain” it is a healthy weight? 

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I do have arthritis, which, in turn, causes pain.  And stairs and vigorous house cleaning make me breathless.  I do admit that is not healthy.  And I have high blood pressure.  So…

Not sure how I feel at all….

'Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like

[Not telling you who the artist/vocalist is for this one…. Gotta guess J  Just put it in the comments section! ]

PS:  Today's title comes from a song I performed in my teens for a production titled "The Me Nobody Knows".

        Here are the complete lyrics:

Hard to tell you how I feel. Everything is so unreal.

Lord this life is a hard thing to get to.

Saw my shadow on the wall.  Saw my love nowhere at all.

Saw my life as a hard thing to get through.

When you're born, they carry you.

When you're gone, they bury you.

In between you're on your own. Hard to stand there all alone.

Someone's crying down the hall. Dying cries,  they tell it all.

Lord this life is a hard thing to live

And harder still to leave.

When you're born, they carry you.

When you're gone, they bury you.

In between you're on your own. Hard to stand there all alone.

Lord this hill is hard to climb.  Gonna climb it one more time.

Lord this life is a hard thing to live. And harder still to leave.

This song comes from a musical called "The Me Nobody Knows" music by Gary William Friedman and lyrics by Will Holt. This actual song comes from The Me Nobody Knows (The Original 1970 Cast Recording) [Cast Recording] Gary William Friedman (Composer), Will Holt (Lyricist), Irene Cara (Performer), Beverly Bremers (Performer), Hattie Winston (Performer), Northern Calloway (Performer) The artwork is from the cover of this CD.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQL-UWfjeWY

SEVEN: Choice Saved My Life

Retrieved from Facebook on November 29, 2014.


Choice keeps me sane.

Long ago, when I was a new mom and working full time and directing plays and dealing with the sudden death of my own mom and being generally unhappy with my life at the time (whew!) a friend was worried about my health.  He said he had read an article about stress and cancer rates in women who felt trapped in their lives.  He was concerned that I was headed down that road.

I took that information to heart.  My mom had just died of cancer.  She had always had bowel issues so when she started seeing blood she just assumed it was a fissure or hemorrhoid.  She was on vacation with my dad at the time and was concerned enough to seek help at the local hospital.  Years later, my dad told me that the doctor expressed concern had advised her to stay for further tests or to follow up with her doctors at home. She said she would follow up at home.  That was in September of 1994.  She did not follow up at home.  She died in June of 1995.

My dad has always felt like it was his fault that he didn't make her go for the tests.  She said she was better and he believed her.  Maybe she did feel better.  Maybe she was scared.  Either way, she made a choice.

My friend's information changed the way I thought about my life.  I stopped feeling trapped and reminded myself that I CHOSE to be a wife and mother and teacher.  That I could chose to be otherwise but, for now, I chose to life with these responsibilities.  Sometimes I reminded myself several times a day!  But, ultimately, I could choose to stay or go.  And I continued to choose to stay.

I am happy to say that I no longer feel trapped.  It's been twenty years since that conversation with my friend.  And I can't thank him enough for giving me that insight.  I am sure he saved my life.

Maybe God is calling you tonight
To tell me something
That might save my life
Sidewalk Prophets, "Save My Life"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_gJ68kksWE