FOUR: Healthy Voices

I will not give in to the voices of my eating disorder that tell me I’m not okay. I will listen to the healthy voices that I do have, even if they are very quiet so that I can understand that I am fine.

I have a recurring, twisted desire.  I want to be ‘a little bit anorexic’.  I know the physical risks and I completely understand how a mentally stable person would not dream of ever following through with such a goal.  But I often think that.  I visualize what it would be like to not be able to eat.  I ignore the reality of eating disorders:  they are not a choice nor are they to be made fun of.  Eating disorders are serious mental health issues that cause people to die.  I completely understand…. And I still think about it.

Even as a kid, I thought skinny people were beautiful.  One of my idols was Karen Carpenter. Mostly because I wanted to sing like her but also because I wanted to look like her.  She died of complications from anorexia nervosa. My favourite Christmas movie is “White Christmas” with Byng Crosby and Danny Kaye with the two lead women in the story being played by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen. They are both beautiful and talented women. Ms Clooney has a lovely figure that curves in all the rights places showcasing a trim waist.  Ms. Vera-Ellen is skinny and I love her lack of curves.  My family watches the movie annually after we finish decorating the Christmas tree.  And every year my daughter and husband comment on how ‘that woman needs to eat something’. Even as a pre-teen, Sarah saw that if your thighs don’t touch, there might be something wrong with your diet.  I still think Vera-Ellen is perfect.

I am straining to hear the whisper.  

*Since I was writing about her today, I thought I would find out a bit more about Vera-Ellen.  Apparently, she was not well as a child and used dancing as a ‘therapy’. She was the youngest Rockette in the late 40s and she was in several musicals with prominent entertainers in the 1950’s.

Vera's career died down in the late 1950s once filmed musicals lost their fashion. It was later discovered that, due to the dancer's compulsive dieting obsession, she had silently battled anorexia throughout much of the 50s before anyone was even aware or doctors had even coined the term or devised treatments.

Retrieved from http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0893584/bio on November 3, 2014

Don’t fall back, cause you’re needed here to share your beauty
There’s no right or wrong this time, it’s only living
Again, listen to my voice
Broken Fences - Listen to My Voice Lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lN6Ta0Gi-g